I’ve written a lot of jokes since my kids were born, as a way to stay sane during the sleep-deprived madness that is new parenthood. Here’s one that I say a lot:
"These days, I love my wife 75% of the time, and it breaks down like this: 100% of the time, from 6am until Midnight."
See, my wife has two personae, which I have dubbed “Day Wife,” and “Night Wife.” Day Wife has composure, grace, and a wonderful sense of humor. By contrast, Night Wife is mercurial, unpredictable, and mean.
Every single one of the worst fights I’ve ever had has been with Night Wife, due in no small part to the fact that I am in my Night Me persona when it happens. Night Me, as far as I can tell, is not too dissimilar to Day Me, but with all of my worst qualities amplified a bit. So I’m even more quick to frustration, and sensitive to vocal tone, than normal.
So that’s the background. Here’s the story:
The other night, Night Wife and Night Me had it out at 4am while dealing with a screaming baby. Normally, when Sally wakes up at night (which she does frequently), she can be quickly soothed back to sleep if I give her her pacifier.
On this night, she woke up angrier than normal. I got up to do my thing, and the SECOND it didn’t work, Night Wife arose.
Night Wife barged into Sally’s room which startled her, picked Sally up which disoriented her, and started yelling “What’s WRONG with her!?” when she subsequently started crying harder. Night Wife was convinced that she needed to go to the emergency room right away, when two things happened within the span of two seconds:
1. Sally farted.
2. Sally went back to sleep.
Without another word, Night Wife went back to bed.
Night Me, however, was FURIOUS at this! I had been interrupted, overruled, and yelled at…and then I’m supposed to go back to SLEEP? NEVER!!!
Instead, I went back to bed, and began shadowboxing with my wife, who was sleeping peacefully next to me. I silently shouted at her how badly that situation was handled, and KNEW I was NEVER going to get back to sleep.
I then had the strangest subconscious experience of my life.
While still having the non-speaking argument with a mental manifestation of my wife…the fight moved outside. She laid down on the lawn, looked up at me, and said in the same defensive tone she had been using thus far:
NIGHT WIFE: But Corey…he’s going to RISE FROM THE ASHES!!!
In response, I bent down and snapped back in the same angry exasperation I had been using thus far:
NIGHT ME: Jill…it’s NOT A PERSON…it’s a FISH!!!
When that happened, another part of my brain kicked in, and recognized the utter batshit insanity of that exchange, and understood that I was, in fact, dreaming. This realization snapped me back into wakefulness, where my anger was INSTANTLY replaced with a sense of embarrassed amusement.
Best way to wake up ever…